I’m cheating a bit. “Part Two: The Bitter End” will be written closer to the Big Day. I just had to get some things off my chest.
My body is a traitorous, stubborn, welsher. I want to clean the house, move buckets of soil, mow the lawn, do dump runs, and wash the cars without any cares in the world. And I try—oh, how I try!—-to achieve all of these normal activities, but suddenly I am met with impediments. It’s getting harder to spring from a crouched position to standing, as there’s something weighing me down. I can’t carry the heavy load I want to, or my back screams in protest. Normal bends-twists-lifts-pushes-pulls-sittings-standings now require concentration, as sudden movements now trigger my greatest foe: a bum SI joint. Even changing position in bend requires patient consideration.
This is not how I imagined my body would ever be. It’s hard to not be extremely disappointed in its mounting limitations, or dismay in the fact in the remaining 3 months, those limitations will increase exponentially. I’m not the person who asks for help: I’m the person you ask to help out.
Meanwhile, a rampantly active animal wreaks havoc on my jungle-gym cervix, twisting and somersaulting about with no regard whatsoever for regular sleeping hours. If this kid’s vivacious in-utero activities are any indication of its future disposition, I’m in serious trouble. It’s okay: you can go ahead and preach about how I should give up my singular cup of morning coffee. Go on and tell me about the certain ADHD and low-birth weight I’m carelessly inflicting on my unborn child with my selfish negligence. I’ll even widen my eyes and nod emphatically while you do it.
Oh! Of course, it’s important to also tell me about how you, your sister, your ex-wife, your friend, or your mom suffered from miscarriages and spontaneous fetal deaths. Be sure to specify how far along they were—like 6 months, say—and look directly at my stomach when you tell me how many times it happened to them, and how easily it could happen to me. This is so reassuring to hear! It really puts my mind at ease! I love hearing about inducing labour to expel the dead child!
Please, please, please. Please! This is not an appropriate conversation topic for a pregnant woman. This is not an appropriate conversation topic for a pregnant woman. And once more, to really get it into your mind, this is not an appropriate conversation topic for a pregnant woman.